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S - L - O - W Savour / surrender Listen Observe

S - L - O - W

Savour / surrender
Listen
Observe
Wait

I’m just over here observing my habitual compulsion to do, create, write, build consistently arising. Feeling into my post partum energy and knowing that it’s only that... a compulsion.

The act of deep listening tells me, it’s not time. The flow is not outward at present and nothing comes from trying to go against the wisdom of that creative life force that flows through us.

I am a creative, a business owner, a multi-passionate entrepreneur and with that comes this underlying story that I must always be doing something to boost my business’ (both of them) and bring in the $$$.... even when I have enough.

Spoiler alert - I always have enough, even when I think that I don’t.

I mean isn’t the fact that i am here in this moment proof of that???

So I remind myself to wait... to savour this fleeting time of magic with this oh so sweet and precious little being. To delight in the chemical release of connection I feel all day as I hold her close and breathe her in.

If i get stuck in the story of the perpetual need to do and create I feel uninspired... yet as I tune in I know my creative energy is being channeled towards this diad of Mamatoto... healing, growing, nurturing and filling us both and I realise just how inspired I am as I rest in awe of the beauty and creative power of life... even in the mundane of the everyday.

The more I surrender to this time, I strengthen my connection to creative force within me and leave me more potent in all of my roles and offerings...

Mother
Creator
Artist
Lover
Teacher
Friend
... and human. 💕

5/5 With the contractions continuing we decided t

5/5

With the contractions continuing we decided to get me out of the pool. As I stood up & was assisted out, I had a post-partum haemorrhage. It was significant, 1.5L but as it turned out, my body was well able to handle this amount of blood loss.

The contractions continued every few minutes, they felt so intense & having already given birth I had completely lost my focus & ability to meet them. I was beginning to flail around a bit trying to get away from the pain, myself & @louisedavidmidwifelc constantly shifting Luna, still attached to the cord, as I moved around to get through each contraction.

Lou suggested we cut the cord & give Luna to Nick, which we did. My mind started to run wild & I noticed the looks being exchanged between the midwives & doula... we were all thinking the same thing.

Bri said "She is still in labour..."

At 42 weeks we had a twin scare with Cedar, the midwife thinking she palpated a second. We had 24 hours of believing we were having twins until we had our first scan the next day. Lou always said she understood why my midwife thought I was carrying twins & it must be in the way I carry. We joked the entire pregnancy about a surprise second despite measuring perfectly at each appointment.

My bonus round of labour lasted close to an hour. Lou had palpated my belly & told me it wasn't empty, and by this time my mind was racing...

I didn't have it in me to birth another - they would have to cut it out of me. Lou would lose her license. Was the baby alive? How on earth could i look after twins?

Lou suggested a dose of synto to get the placenta out & I agreed. I was so done. I don't know how long it took but finally I birthed the placenta.

A 1100g placenta. That's 2-3 times the size of a "normal" placenta. The contractions stopped.

Everything was calm. I only had one baby.

My placenta was so big, my body believed I was birthing a second baby.

The smiles returned, the relief palpable, laughter emerging as the unpacking of what had occurred began.

We settled into bed a family of four, whilst the sun began to rise outside. Our little moon had landed & we could not have been happier.

All 📸 by @brionygoodsell & my sis

4/5 It was around this time I could feel myself wa

4/5
It was around this time I could feel myself wanting to tap out. I can’t remember if it was before or after feeling her head but I reached a point where I had to nod my head and just repeat “Yes, yes, yes” over & over again to get my body & my mind to remain open & energetically saying yes to what was happening - even though I wanted to give up.

My body started pushing involuntarily, perhaps I was pushing for 3 hours though I had no concept of time. I was clawing into Nick, not sure of how much longer I could take - with what felt like a circle of wise woman standing around the birth pool holding space for me.

As Luna’s head started to emerge, I could hear my sister Bec exclaiming how amazing it was & at moments, despite the intensity i felt so grateful my sisters there and i had such an incredible team of support.

As each contraction came on I started with the sound…. It would build & I just knew if I wasn’t quite making it properly I had to go deeper & the sound would change & that would get the prana & my baby down & out. Yet if you asked me to make it today - I wouldn't even know where to begin. Bri described it as other-wordly.

It was the only way through.

At 3:32am, after what felt like an eternity, Luna was birthed into our dining room. Her brother finally asleep but witnessed by her two adoring Aunties. Her hand had been up by her face & Lou had helped her get it out… I think I was in shock when Lou told me to turn around & grab my baby - I couldn’t believe I had done it.

She didn’t breath straight away, there was an extended pause. Thank goodness for birth videos & vivid birth dreams, I was prepared for this & knew it was ok, we rubbed her to get her going, a few pumps and she was declaring her arrival.

Now for that beautiful golden hour I had been looking forward to, that time when you snuggle up in the birth pool as a family, give love eyes to your new arrival and await the birth of the placenta…. Only that didn’t happen.

Not long after she arrived I had another contraction. Still in my back, still just as painful as my earlier labour yet I was already out of the zone because as far as I knew - we were done.

3/5 Finally around 10:30pm the pool was ready. Oh

3/5

Finally around 10:30pm the pool was ready. Oh the sweet sweet relief of sliding into that birth pool for the first time. It felt like heaven! Then another contraction came & I remember thinking “Fuck! they still fucking hurt”.

They were still painful, posterior & intense.

I had created a birth play list, which I never played. I put someone else’s on so as not to “use mine too early” & don’t remember noticing a single song once I was in active labour.

I was too absorbed in my own song. The hum that built into a roar.

As my sounds got deeper, more primal & raw I heard Lou saying “Yes, yes, that’s it go even deeper” & I would. I realised I could more easily meet the pain the deeper & more primal I was able to get the sound.

A few things I was saying internally to coach myself through:

“Walk towards the pain”

“Get the prana down”

“Down and out”

I would think of directing the sound I was making through the eye of the cervix - a tantric technique usually used with mantra to pierce through the energetic knots (called granthies).

Throughout my first birth (an induction that ended in a C-Section), I spent the entire 12 hours running away from it. This was different, I surrendered to it completely & summoned every part of myself to meet the intensity of the situation.

Every now & then I would feel the sweetness of a small hand on my head, my 5 year old son coming out to hold me, to whisper a word of encouragement & tell me how proud he was of me. He was awake for the whole night bar the birth, sat up playing & writing the sound of me birthing in the background.

For hours I had wanted to ask if I was getting close, Could Lou see anything? With my first birth I laboured for 12 hours only to find out I was only a couple of cm dilated, So I held off, and held off, as long as I possibly could. I couldn't bare that disappointment again.

On a toilet stint I couldn't wait any longer. I finally asked @louisedavidmidwifelc - can you see anything? She checked with the torch & then asked me to reach down & feel between my legs.

A head! There was a fucking babies head between my legs. I was doing it & she was coming!

2/5 From early in my pregnancy I had assumed keep

2/5

From early in my pregnancy I had assumed keeping the birth space sacred, safe & comfortable, meant having as few people there as possible. As the date drew closer, I saw a photo of a family home birth; Mum in her zone in the pool, kids playing & a table of women (midwives & sisters) laughing with cups of tea in the background. I realised “that’s what I want for my birth”.

I messaged my sisters a month or so before my due date to let them know if they could be there for part or all of the birth, I would love them in the space, even if it was just to play with Cedar.

Around 5:30pm my sister Bec arrived, the boys were busy setting up the birth pool & although I was still able to laugh in between contractions I was ready to really go into my own space. I retreated to the bedroom to really focus on what was happening. I was still humming away but the sound was starting to build by this stage.

I was reluctant to call anything too soon. I had never gone into labour naturally before & although by 8pm things felt pretty intense I didn’t want to assume I was in active labour… but I was ready to be supported by my birth team. I wanted someone there who could recognise the stage I was at & gently hold space for me. My sister Sar, my midwife @louisedavidmidwifelc & doula @brionygoodsell all arrived by 8:30pm to find me sitting on the floor - well & truly in active labour strongly humming my birth song.

Like Cedar’s 12 hour labour, I felt everything in my back even though she wasn’t posterior. It was feeling quite intense & painful & I was now spending a lot of time on the toilet.

My sounds had gotten louder, stronger, deeper; progressing well beyond the gentle hum of Brahmari.

In between contractions I'd stand up from the toilet, stomp my feet & swing my hips with Lou or Nick supporting me, reminding myself of the Birth Spell Song @the_rachael_rose shared with me for my mother blessing.

Our hot water had run out & everyone in the house was frantically trying to get the birth pool warm enough. Cedar led the mission to borrow a neighbours microwave, camp stoves were pulled out, kettles & pots of water were being boiled in an "all in" effort to warm the pool.

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